Mooch of a Muchness

In this commentary on an article about difficulties that arise between friends when somebody's economic situation changes (e.g. with a layoff), MM notes that when she lost her job:

"Some of them [business school friends] just didn't understand that a Chinese food dinner with a couple of beers wasn't a discount treat, but an unaffordable luxury--and when they figured it out, offered to pay, which seemed like a quick route to life as a permanent sponge. "

I guess I'm not seeing this direct, inevitable progression from letting a friend buy you a meal in a restaurant to becoming Queen Mooch. And if this process really exists, well, I guess I'm going to need to have all my towels monogrammed with QM (on someone else's dime, of course) because friends buy me meals a couple of times per month lately.

Now, it's one thing to put your friends in a position where they begrudgingly feel obligated to stand for you all the time or when you clearly abuse someone's generosity by ordering something really expensive or when you ask for money or whatever; that stuff's clearly not good. But a lot of times, when you're broke or living on an Operation Cheap Ass type budget, your friends would rather pay your way than not see you or do something that you can afford (which may be Taco Bell's $1 menu rather than a normal restaurant, for example). To refuse to let them pay your way in this kind of situation seems kind of shitty, actually. I recognize that the unemployed/broke person's pride can be involved, and people don't like to feel like a charity case, but it seems like a person should be able to accept something like this from a friend in the spirit in which it's given (assuming your friend is not being a demonstrative jerk about it, which she's probably not) and not be a dick about what it symbolizes.

But I've noticed before that I don't seem to have quite the same feelings about money that many other people do when it comes to equating buying power with independence. And who knows, maybe deep down I feel entitled to being treated to dinner (since obviously my company is so valuable or whatever). So maybe it's a bit easier for me to see that choosing a lifestyle of defiant poverty (or frugality) is a major drag for the other people in one's life.

Of course, these issues arise not only when your circumstances change for the worse; a lot of times, you'll have at least some friends who are pretty much permanently richer than you are. If they want to share the wealth, why not let them? Sure, some people can try to use money to control you, but your friend isn't your parent or your boss or any other authority figure who is in some sense your "superior." Your friend's just another person who has more money than you do.

I admit that I do sometimes have issues with my low income, and this past weekend, it felt like every single person I know has tons of money for cool vacations and things I too would like to have, so it's not like I am completely rational and objective about money. But I am glad that I haven't let Operation Cheap Ass turn me into a person who feels unworthy or inferior and that I am not forcing my levels of unwillingness to spend on my friends. Maybe I'm just really naive, but when a friend calls and says let's go out, my treat, I really don't interpret that as an attack on my autonomy, a snide way of putting me in my place, or any other weird, un-friend-like act. I just assume they want to get together, realize my budget for non-necessary expenditures is nil, and that the money isn't a big deal to them.

This isn't to say that there aren't boundaries on my willingness to accept things from other people, but I haven't really run into the kinds of situations that would make me feel weird. I also really do plan to avoid permanent sponge-hood by eventually finishing my degree and getting a job that earns me a better salary than I have had thus far. Once I have something resembling discretionary income again, I will be in a position to reciprocate.

And I do think that in many cases, a policy of reciprocation, or taking turns treating the other person, is a nice way to deal with the money issue even when both people have jobs. One person may earn a lot more, or be less frugal, than the other, so it allows the more spendy one to get to pick nicer restaurants (or whatever) than the tightwad may choose.

All this said, I do basically concur with the advice that the best way to deal with this situation is to just be honest about what you can afford to do. Then depending on the particulars, you may do free-to-inexpensive things with your friends, let them pay your way, or whatever seems to make sense.