What's Up With the Holy Ghost

Despite being raised as a Protestant (Methodist), I am pretty much clueless when it comes to the Holy Ghost. I do know that the flame of the Methodist Church emblem represents the Holy Ghost. But I also associate the HG with the dove, so that’s not very helpful. (It’s soft and fluffy, yet it burns; it warms your heart and shits on you from above. It contradicts itself. It contains multitudes.) My primary belief about the HG is that it is somehow related to the tendency of Pentecostals to speak in tongues.

As for God the Father, OK, he’s the Big Daddy, stern and powerful, with his favoritism (see: David, King; Job) and his protecting you against everything but his own wrath, which frankly can be seen to cover every single bad thing that ever happens to you.

Jesus is the sensitive, soulful, outsider boyfriend, complete with long hair and sandals, who loves you unconditionally but is never around when you need him, who never returns your calls, and who, basically, is just not that into you.

But the Holy Ghost is an enigma. No, not even an enigma; a complete non-entity. Of course, that may be my entire problem. Is this Spirit supposed to be some force emanating from God? What if the Holy Ghost is supposed to bring you to recognize your need for God and salvation? I admit, I’m not the greatest candidate for conversion in the universe, but I’m aware of time’s winged chariot, I have little confidence that cryogenics and/or neuroscience will be sufficiently advanced that I can basically live forever, I fear death, I do not want to burn (or freeze) in hell. And yet the HG is making no impact on me.

Maybe this “Holy Ghost” entity needs some re-branding to be relevant in today’s marketplace of ideas. Several thousands of years ago, ghosts inspired awe and commanded respect. But today, you say “ghost,” and I think of: Pac-Man’s cute little adversaries, Ghost Busters, Casper, the bad Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore movie, Charlie Brown’s Halloween costume, and Cordelia’s benevolent ghost roommate on the TV show Angel. Ghosts rank right up there with fairies in the list of Imaginary Supernatural Beings of Little Import That Scared Ignorant People in the Middle Ages. And the “Holy Spirit” terminology isn’t much better – too much connotation of séances, Ouija boards, automatic writing, and other fusty Victorian practices.

Of course, I’m not sure what would be better. Holy Smoke? Cigarettes, Kate Winslet. Very sexy.